Your surrogate will be a huge part of your life during the nine months that she carries your child. For some intended parents, this special relationship lasts a lifetime because of the crucial role she had in helping their family grow.
It’s wonderful to see when intended parents and surrogates form lifelong bonds. It takes some effort, but building a strong connection during the surrogacy process leads to meaningful, long-term relationships after the birth of the baby.
Does this sound like something you want for yourself and your surrogate?
How to Grow the Bond With Your Surrogate Over Time
The connection you share with your surrogate is special. She plays a crucial role in helping to grow your family, and maintaining this bond can be rewarding for both parties. Here’s our best advice for strengthening your connection so that it lasts a lifetime:
Set Boundaries
While maintaining a relationship is important, setting boundaries ensures everyone’s comfort and privacy. From the beginning, have an open conversation about how often you’ll communicate and what type of updates you’ll share. Agree on a frequency for updates and decide on how you’re most comfortable communicating. Respect each other’s need for privacy and avoid sharing personal information without consent.
Here are a few examples of how you can set boundaries with your surrogate:
- Agree on a schedule for updates, such as monthly emails or quarterly phone calls.
- Decide together on the preferred methods of communication, like emails, phone calls, texts, or in-person visits.
- Avoid posting photos of the surrogate on social media without her permission.
- Refrain from discussing private matters that might make either party uncomfortable.
Stay in Touch
Communicating regularly is key to preserving any relationship, including this one. Regular updates about your child’s milestones, birthdays, and special moments will help the surrogate to feel connected and appreciated.
Planning periodic visits can also strengthen your bond. Whether it’s meeting for coffee or inviting the surrogate to special family events, face-to-face interactions create lasting memories. Social media is another great way to stay connected because it allows you to share everyday moments and keep each other in the loop.
If your surrogate is on board, try any of these ideas to stay in touch:
- Send monthly emails with photos and updates about your child’s development, such as their first steps or first day of school.
- Share videos of your child’s milestones, like their first words or participation in a school play.
- Plan an annual get-together where the surrogate can see your child in person, such as a birthday party or holiday celebration.
- Arrange for the surrogate to join you for major family outings, like a trip to the zoo or a picnic in the park.
- Create a private Facebook group or Instagram account where you can share photos and updates with the surrogate.
- Comment on each other’s posts to keep the communication light and ongoing.
Celebrate Special Occasions
Acknowledging special occasions makes your surrogate feel valued and appreciated. Remembering your surrogate’s birthday and sending a thoughtful message shows you care. You could also reach out on the anniversary of your child’s birth or significant milestones in the surrogacy process.
Consider these examples:
- Send a birthday card or a small gift, such as a personalized item or a book you know she’ll enjoy.
- Celebrate the anniversary of your child’s birth with a special text message, email, or phone call that highlights the year’s milestones.
Show Appreciation
Expressing gratitude is a huge part of any positive relationship. It lets the surrogate know that everything they went through for you — both the positive and the challenging — was noticed and worth it. Telling her how much her support has meant to you and your family can strengthen your bond. And simple acts of kindness, like offering support if she needs it, can also go a long way.
Here are a few ways you could show your appreciation:
- Send thank-you notes or letters expressing your continued gratitude, detailing specific moments or milestones that mean a lot to you.
- Offer to help if she’s going through a tough time, such as offering to run errands or provide a listening ear.
Involve Your Child
As your child grows, involving them in the relationship with the surrogate is wonderful for creating a lasting bond if this is something you are comfortable with. Involve them in planning visits or calls. Your surrogate will love to see everything your child is doing, learning, and accomplishing.
Consider these ideas:
- Share age-appropriate stories about the surrogate and her role in their birth, using photos and mementos to make the story more engaging.
- Involve your child in planning visits or calls, letting them help choose photos to share or topics to discuss.
Deal with Challenges
Maintaining any relationship comes with challenges. If you find that you’re communicating with your surrogate less often, try to understand the reasons and address them with empathy. Have the surrogate’s communication preferences changed? If so, stay flexible in adapting to new methods.
It’s also normal in any relationship for emotional distance to grow over time. Major life changes can impact the relationship, so try to be understanding and supportive through transitions like moving, job changes, or family expansions. The best thing you can do is keep open and honest communication about any changes that might affect your relationship.
For example:
- Reach out with a simple message to see how she’s doing.
- Share a photo or memory from the surrogacy process that holds special meaning for both of you.
- Stay positive, curious, and open-minded if communication preferences change.
Your bond with your surrogate is built on mutual respect, gratitude, and the shared joy of bringing a new life into the world. Some surrogates and intended parents may want a closer connection, while others may want more distance — and both routes are OK. Do whatever feels right for you and your family.
Surrogacy and Egg Donor Services
Since 2004, The Fertility Agency has helped bring over 1100+ babies into the world. We work with all intended parents, surrogates, and egg donors no matter their sexual preference, relationship status, ethnicity, location, etc. Our personal experiences and years of expertise provide us with the perfect balance of business and passion. Contact us for more information.
